United Press Corporation (Correction of Misinformation and Lies Division) by Stanley Longfroth(special to United Press Corporation)
It was discovered last Tuesday that former Chief Disclaimer Writer / President / CEO of Zartocksic Industries - who is also a deaf, retarded mute child and occasional freelance columnist for United Press Corporation [Ed note: only because the government says we have to!] is actually 23 years old. This comes hot on the heels of yesterday's announcement by recent parolee Grant Tribucco that the above mentioned deaf, retarded mute child, otherwise known as Loudwell, is actually the resultant offspring of a union of two men - former (and current) VP / CEO of Zartocksic Industries Guy Johnson and former janitor turned Acting President / CEO of Zartocksic Industries turned Chief Financial Advisor of Bratsplat Enginologies (turned dead guy in a dumpster by that razed house on 3rd) Gabrielle Calcutta's combination sperm donation / surrogate "mother" cluster fuck mix-o-matic mating. Mr. Tribucco was quoted as saying: "Loudwell is one dumb muther fucker. The little shit can barely keep from crapping his pants 24 / 7. And to think he's nearly 24! Sheesh, I stopped that at 19!" Loudwell, who is best known for his recent United Press Corporation column [Ed note: uggh!] was unavailable for [and uncapable of] comment. However, Joe Muoller (also an occasional contributor to United Press Corporation publications) was able to shed some light on the matter due to his recent coverage of the Supreme Court's decision to approve the constitutional legality of the non-toxic wonderfully tasty Zarsisipan Flute-Screw cereal (and drug). "Yeah, so I was sittin' there, eatin' my Flute-Screw likes I always doos. And right about the time the halucinations start kickin' in, I sees this dumb as fuck little deaf mute freak, glommin' all up on me, lookin' to get some of my Flute-Screw! So I says to the kid, 'HEY, FUCKSTICK, TAKE A LOOK AROUND YA. AIN'T NO FREE FLUTE-SCREW HERE!" Muoller went on to add: "And the little cluster-fucked bastard starts going on and on about his 'happolikkks', and how he's all 'yaaappolishhhyy' and what not. So I takes off my glengarry, and I smacks the troll on his pockmarked heinie. The mongoloid let's out a shriek like I ain't never heard, and starts runnin' away. Only thing is, he takes my whole 23.28 oz box of Flute-Screw with him! It's like he ain't got no idea I just bought the fucker not 3 hours before..." "Anyway, I seen him drop this paper, so's I goed up and took a read of it. Seems it's the little turd's birth certificate. Thing lists 2 dads, and ain't no mother on it. Paper shows Papa 1 as Guy Johnson, and Papa 2 as Gabrielle Calcutta. Damndest thing if you ask me. Of course, right about then I found me a "Nutty Nut"(TM) bar in my bra, so's I dun ate that bastard up QUICK! EEEMMMMMMMMMMMM... mmmmmmmmmm!" Of course as is now well known, the Zarsisipan product known as "Nutty Nut"(TM), which began as a simple flavor variation, is now a much sought after black market "nutrition bar". The FDA pulled it right after it's initial release, at first due to it's mysterious country of origin; a non-existent island in the Pacific, and later due to it's intoxicating effect on it's consumers. Reported to contain 10 times the alcohol as 20 shots of 80-proof whiskey, "in one convenient 8.633 oz bar" (TM), with "all the delicious flavor of country-sown NUTS!" (TM). The highly addictive "Nutty Nut Nutrition-o-matic health bar - so healthy, it's MAUVE!" (TM) craze spread like moose in a semi-arid region. There are reportedly several thousand cases still floating around out there, just waiting for someone like Joe Muoller to snatch them up. And they don't come cheap either. Average street price is around $50 per bar. But that's not gonna stop all those "Nutty Nut" (TM) nutties out there, not one "Crunchy, yet MAUVE" (TM) bit... In other news, Guy Johnson's Presidential bid is looking up, as he met with twin brother and Vice Presidential hopeful Col. Morris Nictsider. Nictsider - fresh out of rehab for the fifth time this month, is more or less an unknown in the race. It seems as a young adult, he changed his name from "Nictside" to "Nictsider" as a way to separate himself from twin Guy's openly gay highschool lifestyle. "I didn't want the kids at school to know Guy was my twin brother, so I went with the new name. Worked like a charm. Even our parents didn't recognize me after that!" Twins Guy and Morris stand a good chance in their bid for the Presidency. It seems the two are now closer than ever before. Pundits worry that Mr. Johnson has his hands full with Zartocksic Industries, but he assures detractors that the Pesidency is his primary focus and goal. And when asked about competitors Grant Tribucco and Leo Shlacappigus, and their rumored merger, Guy Johnson (busily attempting a "vertical spoon stand" in his bowl of Flute-Screw) responded with a resounding: "WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! She's UP! 98% Verticality baby!" As a result, Zartocksic's stock shot up an astonishing 50 points. Coincidence?
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