The Daily American

by John Smurfton


Early this afternoon, Guy Johnson president of Zartocksic Industries
announced his bid to run for President of the United States.  Mr. Johnson
stated that his decision followed his nomination from the Blue/Gray Party,
the party from which he will be backed.  His bid also included the selection
of a running-mate, Col. Morris Nictsider.  Nictsider, a military hero from
the Gulf War, commented by saying, "I don't know this Guy Johnson, but I
hear he is a real nice fella.  He must be, because he chose me and we ain't
never met."

Johnson, an accomplished prescription drug mogul, has not officially left
his post at Zartocksic industries, feeling that his campaign will not
interfere with his duties.  When asked about his current dual-rolls Johnson
said, "Zartocksic pratically runs itself.  I've got a crack staff... and by
that I mean they are crazy little crack babies... they work like little
beavers.  All that they want in return, not money, but crack.  It's a great
relationship."  He went on to comment that he hopes to have a similar
relationship with his running-mate, stating "I don't really know Colonel
Nictsider, but Elvis had a Colonel and he didn't turn out so bad."  Johnson
also mentioned that Nictsider is a good Zartocksic customer, his little
known addiction to Zarsisipan makes him really pliable.  Johnson continued,
"Nictsider will be more like Elvis though, he'll be the druggie puppet and
I'll pull his strings."  Nictsider's "pliable" personality and his hero
status should help Johnson's image and promote media interest in their
campaign.

Interest in Guy Johnson has swelled to flood water capacity from his recent
reappearence in the Zartocksic Industries boardroom.  Johnson had disappeard
from his post as President for nearly 6 months, posing the question, is Guy
Johnson a suitable candidate for U.S. Presidency?  Johnson briefly tackled
this question and replied by saying, "Why would I leave?  Just cause I did
it once doesn't neccesarily mean I'll do it again, right?  But I probably
will."  Apparently Johnson's disappearence was not work related but merely
an unresolved legal issue he had with the US government.

Ever the clever speaker, Johnson is a slick candidate.  We may only know
what he will, can and won't do if he is elected President.