Dear Mr. Shlacappigus,

I am thoroughly disgusted and repulsed by your ridiculous claims as to what
Zarsisipan is and the problems it might cause.  We here at Zartocksic
Industries are totally exasperated and confused. Having done every possible
form of research on our tasty and delectable thingy-majigor, we have
concluded that the product is totally and completely safe*.  Any claims
that you have made are unfounded, because we don't even know what Zarsisipan
is.  Our researchers came up empty handed.  We do know that Zarsisipan is
tasty and delectable in our three delicious flavors; Purple 'e' Grape (TM),
Gritty Green (TM) and Orangutan Orange (TM).  However, we do apologize for
not getting the colors quite right.  Purple 'e' Grape is more of an
off-white, Gritty Green, although tasty, delectable and gritty, is more of
a beige and Orangutan Orange came out brown.  Sorry.

As far as your penile shrinkage, we recommend that you do not take
Zarsisipan after a dip in the pool or while in extremely cold, or
moderately mild temperatures where your testicles may be exposed.  We also
suggest that before blaming our "Wonder... uh, thing" (TM)** you "take
stock at what you got" (TM) prior to enjoying any of our wonderful fruity
flavors of Zarsisipan.  You may be surprised to find that it's not our
stuff that is causing your problems, but mother nature.

Again thank you for your kind words on Zarsisipan.  Your order for three
more cases is on it's way.

Sincerely,
Guy Johnson
Senior VP Zartocksic Industries
"Take Stock In What You Got"


*note: "Safe" is taken out of context, and is neither implied nor
 understood in relative-terms.

**note: Zartocksic Industries makes no claim that Zarsisipan is a "drug,"
  and certainly not a "Wonder drug."  Zartocksic Industries, it's employees,
  and affiliates do not condone the use of, or use themselves,  Zarsisipan.
  Zarsisipan is an unknown substance and should never be confused with
  Zarsisilube Baconlube Motor Treatment.

warning: do not take Zarsispan internally, if accidentally swallowed
immediately induce vomiting, although that will probably happen anyway.