Who done it?

United Press Corporation
(Lead Story Division)

]] Open-class document - level 0 security sequenced text [[

Bratsworth Engineering (UK Division) CEO Grant Tribucco was jailed today in a 
town recently shaken by the death of former Zartocksic industries Acting 
President and CEO Gabrielle Callcutta (and a 2.7 magnitude earthquake) - found 
dead of unknown causes in a dumpster by that adorable 2 bedroom on 3rd 

Unconfirmed reports confirm that Calcutta (56) was to be brought into 
Tribucco's company as chief financial advisor following rumors that arch rival 
Leo Shlacappigus, V.P. of Ingosplat Technologies failed to acquire Calcutta in 
an ugly bidding war between Ingosplat and Bratsworth last week.  These two 
leading high tech giants have quite the combative history, and it is likely 
that their numerous failed attempts at any sort of harmony between them may 
have lead to the extreme pampering and cajoling of Calcutta - treatment that 
caused undue stress on the uninitiated former janitor.

As a result, police haven't ruled out "natural causes" as the culprit in 
Calcutta's unexplained departure from this world.  However, as a precaution, 
and knowing of the bitter hatred and uncooperative natures of Tribucco and 
Shlacappigus (and the fact that Mr. Tribucco fired several shots at police when 
they came to question him - particularly after they inquired about the current 
"state of war" between Tribucco's Bratsworth Engineering and Shlacappigus' 
Ingosplat Technologies), Tribucco was taken into Custody (the new town built to 
house the jail facilities).

Upon his arrival in Custody, but before he was put in the actual jail, Mr. 
Tribucco was allowed to speak to the press that were gathered there, saying:

     "Lousy dumb muther f*cking brainless limp-dicked...  This is so f*cking... 
     I can't...  WON'T...  My God MAN,  Bratsplat Enginologies IS REAL! Don't 
     you people SEE THIS!?!?  Leo and I, we..."

...Tough words from a tough man, thought the crowd as little Bobby Fornickerby 
rode away quietly on his brother's 10 speed back to his house on 3rd and Main, 
and officer Yitties clubbed Tribucco on the head with a satisfying "THUMP"!

Following this public display, several attempts were made by the press to reach 
Tribucco's evil nemesis Leo Shlacappigus in hopes that he might have some 
information about Calcutta's untimely death.  But any and all phone calls were 
rebuffed by Shlacappigus' answering service - saying something about a 
"stockpile of evidence" that would clear Tribucco's "good name".  Experts 
agreed this was nothing more than a sad attempt at corporate espionage by
Shlacappigus to further drag chief competitor Tribucco's name through the mud.  
"It's the utterly transparent Kick 'em when they're down ploy", said reporter 
Stan Longfroth of The Daily Weekly.

Some time later though, Don Felo, spokesperson for the county coroners office, 
uncovered cryptic messages [in 3 boxes of paperwork and photos handed to him by 
Leo Shlacappigus' lawyers and several private investigators involved in the 
Calcutta case] of partnerships and mergers citing an amicable relationship with 
Tribucco dating back to the early days of Ingosplat Technologies and Bratsworth 
Engineering, all notarized and witnessed by several top political officials; 
gun shot wound evidence (including all involved weapon's serial numbers), 
expert ballistic reports confirming multiple gunshot and stab wounds as the 
cause of death, stabbing charts demonstrating knife velocities, points of 
penetration and sharpness scales; witness profiles, and graphs containing 
detailed diagrams of the murder scene; home video taken from two different 
cameras showing the murder in glorious VHS color (although the lighting from 
Herrold Glibshtat's camera could have been a bit better); about 15 snapshots 
taken by local photographers clearly showing Andrew Doznickitowskii and "the 
boys" mercilessly stabbing and shooting Mr. Calcutta, even audio cassettes of 
the entire murder; not to mention Andrew Doznickitowskii's signed confession of 
the crime.

Police were hoping they might glean some small detail about the murder case 
from this so called "evidence", but the day ended in bitter disappointment as 
the contents of the boxes yielded nothing but unrelated drivel.

At press time, reporters were still left with no answers, so they went home.

And in an unrelated story, United Press Corporation fired Chief Document Prep- man Doug Strandler for allowing useless security formatting sequence coding to show up in published documents.

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