Dear Mr. Shlacappigus (if that is your real name!),

I suspect in your next correspondence I shall be receiving a very dear
apology.  I shall dissect your trivial utterings within this context.

Firstly, I don't appreciate your "opinion" that our product (the
incredible, edible, delectable treat Zarsisipan) is "unsafe for any market
foreign or domestic."  I'll have you know that Zarsisipan is not only legal in
all 4 of the states that it is legal in, but it has also been deemed "not
unsafe" by 6 South American countries, and 1 remote camp in the southern
corner of Indonesia.  Apologies, yet?  I suspect not, for you are a man
obviously driven by pride.  Let me continue your thrashing.

You make mention of the variations on the flavor, texture and color of our
glorious product.  You say that "[the color] offer(s) no improvement or
reduction of the side effects [and this is a really good product that
everyone should enjoy as] I mentioned in my previous correspondence."  We
appreciate the compliment.  As for your comment on the color affecting the
side effects, well you idiot,*** we didn't add anything to change the
color. Obviously the color has something to do with the shrinkage problem,
since the chemicals we mixed produced not only our fashionable colors but
the problem itself.* Duh!  Furthermore, I'm insulted at your comment on our
"cleverly worded disclaimers."  These disclaimers are not clever, they were
written by a moron and a 4 year old mute child.  The nerve. Oh, and by the
way Mr. Sensitive, my researchers came up empty handed because they are
AMPUTEES.  They have no hands!  "Damn you sir, and all your kind," - the
researchers.****

In regards to your second comment.  I am insulted by your personal attack
on my person.  Yes, it is true.  I have experienced shrinkage due to both
mother nature and/or chilly or moderately mild temperatures when my
testicles were exposed to the elements.  I am not ashamed.  Many men, in
fact most men suffer from this problem.  Next time keep this professional
and don't make it personal like 'Jaws 3' was.**

Actually, I would recommend a healthy diet of Zarsisilube Baconlube Motor
Treatment for your children.  "It's good and good for you" (TM) if you`re
trying to kill them!  You must have a freakish home life Mr. Freakboy.*** 
Trying to feed your kids motor treatment.  Sure it's largely based on bacon
grease, but hey eventually that would kill them clogged arteries and all. 
Again, don't make this personal, the shark made that mistake.

As far as our marketing team goes.  I just fired him.  He was a freak, too.
I'm not kidding.  I met him at the circus.  By the way our marketing plan
sucks.

Thanks again for your order.  We have canceled your order of 3 cases and
are currently shipping 3 cases.

Guy Johnson
VP Zartocksic Industries


*note: There actually is no problem, whether implied or incited.

**note: Not affiliated with the producers of the fine film "Jaws 3- This
  time it's personal."  But affiliated with the producers of the finest
  Golden Glo and MMy award winning film "Zarsisipan is really cool stuff- I
  mean look what is does to your hands."

***note: This is not personal.

****note: This is personal.