If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the
courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just
looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the
patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?"
and you'd say, "Aw get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I
started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you
say. "That's dynamite, baby."
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask
for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd
probably be able to get a lot of free games.
I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and
started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say,
"That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then
everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of
the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always
end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all
get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too,
and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned
into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you
just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the
radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin
real fast and freak everybody out.
The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it
with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the
face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up
and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand,
but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.
I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND Superman away.
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
ever press charges.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus, and a clown killed my dad.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with
a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing?
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and
drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some
trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."
We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some
things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on
an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said
it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in
her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a
joke -just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
I wonder if Dracula ever has ticks.
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or
Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it
again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some
mayonnaise for me.
He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and
people would go, :Who the fuck is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself,
maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him
(but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd
kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do
that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado
got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
I don't guess I've ever been as scared as when I was waiting in the
principal's office. Finally he came in and sat down. He didn't say
anything, he just looked at me. Then he pulled a copy of Playboy out. "Is
this yours?" he said. "No," I said, "is this yours?" And I pulled out my
penis. I guess I wasn't as scared as I thought.
If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the
dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start
eating everybody. That Alien!
Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point
that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it
might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if he
does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your
speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that
Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it
didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he
went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat
down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he
got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that
Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked
the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky
I think one reason I could be a good playboy is I would be willing to
spend the time required to really fix up my "pad".
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And
since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him and hand it to
Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney
and the interchangeable parts.
If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through
the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over,
I think a good name for him would be Carl.
If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got
to be a better way.
I think man invented the car by instinct.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up
and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I
just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is
freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for
money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you
pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect."
I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone
say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine to
smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about
a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw
that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if
that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt
big for Daddy."
Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're making
the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start
yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the
head movie guy would say, :Hey, let's put him in the movie."
Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really
knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I
gritted my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go
into the bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime,
and I can watch.
I can still recall old Mr. Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing
a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round
and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd
yell out,"Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy.
But then, we had some growing up to do.
I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the
earth, and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms
around, as if you're going to fall in.
One question that's never been answered to my satisfaction by the "Playboy
Advisor" is "What kind of stereo system works best in hell?"
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten
by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about
ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument
with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start
crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt
road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The
tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some say
it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn liar.
Just as irrigation is the lifeblood of the Southwest, lifeblood is the
soup of cannibals.
In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be
known as screw-boys.
I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West
and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was
doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is
gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp.
That way, you could ride him, then, after you camped at night, you could
eat him. How about it, science?
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a
sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those
ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like
Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar
as you might think.
The prince decided he would learn anger. So he gathered his subjects
together outside his balcony. :Who would teach me anger?" he said. "Fuck
you!" somebody yelled. "Okay, how about algebra?" said the prince.
If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do
this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the
fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell,
"Log o' fire! Log o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.
As the snow started to fall, he tugged his coat tighter around himself.
Too tight, as it turned out. "This is the fourth coat crushing this
year", said the sergeant as he outlined the body with a special pencil
that writes on snow.
I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetary,
they found fragments of *human bones*! What kind of barbarians were these
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I
believe in a God with a long white beard, a gold crown, and a long robe
with lots of shiny jewels on it. He sits on a big throne in the clouds,
and He's about five hundred feet tall. He talks in a real deep voice like
"I...AM...GOD!" He can blow up stuff just by looking at it. This is my
own, personal idea of God.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some
guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is
everybody ready to start now?"
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class
and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to,
but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the
Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,
but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him
out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run
out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked
hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay
much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go
up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It
turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided
to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he
broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.